There are days when I feel like I am a goat in with sheep, or a drop of oil left in a glass of water, or a drop of water left in a glass of oil. In other words, I simply don’t belong. It is easy to remedy the goat with sheep thing, just find other goats. BUT oil in water is harder. If it is removed from the water with a spoon and put into oil, some water is taken with it. The same the other way round.
The profound feeling of not belonging has dogged me for some time now, particularly over the last 6 or 7 months, maybe as long as 9 months. I feel like at 51 I should be better grounded, but I am not. I am very much that drop of whatever stuck in a great volume of unlike – well – whatevers. I can not find my crowd. It’s like I am a goat who had been stuck with sheep, that cannot find any other goats.
Loneliness is the feeling of not belonging. Baya Voce’s Ted talk explains better than I can.
My own personal problems, which maybe if I were a real adult I could solve for myself, are this. I don’t have what she talks about in having those rituals, those connections with people. I don’t have anyone who is willing to see me monthly, let alone weekly like her friends. I don’t know how to get that. It is an external thing. Which brings me to another Ted talk on happiness. OH – but I want to share one Ted talk before the one on happiness as it was that ted talk that led me to the happiness one.
Mel Robbins about self sabotage which I am actually really good at – – – She talks about how incredible it is that we are alive at all, and how we need to get up and do the things we need to do rather than live on auto pilot. She also says that while this is simple, it isn’t easy. problem for me is I do a lot already running COCOA a composers group in Ohio, teaching, playing. BUT I do not get up easily like she says. Part of the problem for me is outside of letting my dogs out, and feeding them and me, there isn’t much for me to do – oh write this blog of course . . . . . .
And now the video on happiness – which was my answer to Mel Robbins – I want to be happy. This talk by Gen Kelsang could be longer easly. Her three questions are like Mel Robbins’ – simple, but not really easy.
Here is my thought. Negativity is easy at least in the west. We are brought up with it. It is everywhere, in out advertisements, in schools, etc. positivity is hard. Maybe that isn’t the true reality. Maybe I hypothesis, negativity is easy because we are used to it.
Since childhood I have been a pessimist, seeing the worst possible outcome. Set backs sometimes plummet me. Yet somehow I have always gotten up.
No more for now – I’m not sure where to go.
Moira Levant COCOA2.com March 18th 2018